The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao – Lao Tzu.
Tao means ‘the way’.
So apparently, while they revered him as a spiritual guru, no one in China ever
asked him for directions when they saw him on the street.
Imagine. You are
on a way to an interview, to meet the Grand Panjandrum in Lao Tzu’s city. You are
applying for the job of imperial street sweeper, and carrying one of those long
bamboo sticks with bristles at the other end, meant to sweep up debris from the
public byways. Never call a broom, a broom (or an earth inverting implement,
with a long handle and grip on one end, and a metal plate attachment at the
other end – a spade, if you can help it.
It will help when you finally set up your own consultancy startup. Word to the
wise). You are already ten minutes late, sweating, and shitting bricks (I have
always wondered about that metaphor – you would have to have a rather
specialized assembly line, to produce those. Just saying).
Your parents are going to kill you, if you do not get this prestigious job. “Look at your brother! He has already made it to chief chopstick inspector. And he looks decent and respectable. Wears his long hair in a queue, like any proper young man should do. You sit around with your short hair, and play the Guquin all day. No, you are never going to play the background during Jet Li fight sequences! Do not come back if you do not get this job!”. No one seems to know the right way to reach the office. You run up to this venerable old man, who from the look in his eyes, is self-realized. He KNOWS. “Please tell me the way to the panjandrum’s office?!”. “The way that can be spoken, is not the eternal way machan.” Guess where the broom goes?
Your parents are going to kill you, if you do not get this prestigious job. “Look at your brother! He has already made it to chief chopstick inspector. And he looks decent and respectable. Wears his long hair in a queue, like any proper young man should do. You sit around with your short hair, and play the Guquin all day. No, you are never going to play the background during Jet Li fight sequences! Do not come back if you do not get this job!”. No one seems to know the right way to reach the office. You run up to this venerable old man, who from the look in his eyes, is self-realized. He KNOWS. “Please tell me the way to the panjandrum’s office?!”. “The way that can be spoken, is not the eternal way machan.” Guess where the broom goes?
Oh, and remember to
thank whatever forces you believe in, that you do not have to study Chinese history. This is an actual excerpt from Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gao_Huan):
“In spring 543,
another sexual wrongdoing by Gao Cheng would lead to a new campaign between
Eastern Wei and Western Wei. The official Gao Zhongmi (高仲密,
Gao Aocao's brother), already fearful over his situation because one of Gao
Cheng's major assistants, Cui Xian (崔暹),
had tried to pick his faults after he divorced Cui Xian's sister, was further
aggravated when Gao Cheng tried to rape his second wife, Li Changyi (李昌儀).
He therefore surrendered the important garrison of Hulao (虎牢,
in modern Zhengzhou, Henan) to Western Wei. Yuwen led his troops to try to come
to Gao Zhongmi's aid and further again seize the entire Luoyang region, but was
repelled in a major battle near Luoyang, during which both Yuwen and Gao Huan
were nearly killed in battle, with Heba Sheng, then a Western Wei general,
nearly killing Gao with a spear. (In retaliation, Gao Huan later had all of
Heba's sons who remained in Eastern Wei territory executed.) By summer 543, the
Western Wei forces had withdrawn, and the entire Luoyang region was again under
Eastern Wei control.”
Yes. That made
things very clear, thank you. And that, is one paragraph. Your history unit
test? It would have been on a few hundred such incidents, if not more. But they
do seem to have lived it up, don’t they? This Wei, and that Wei… Anywei, moving on… That said, let us begin.
I am back after a long lowatus (I am never high), thanks to this friend of mine. So, this same really ‘cool’
friend asked me today, if I had ever done any of those silly conjuring tricks when
I was in school (Just for the record, cool in Tamil, is jillu. Cruisin’ for a
bruisin’, right there…. LOL!). I told her I had not. But I did see one of the
greatest magic tricks ever performed, when I was in the seventh standard. Yes,
I went to school, all you doubting Thomases and Lot’s wives! No. Not lotsa
wives. She was the lady who turned back to look at Sodom, and was transformed
into a pillar of salt. Sodom being a little relevant to the said magic trick
(Rather coincidentally). To the disappearance trick, forthwidth (No, not a
typo. Wait for it)!
Three of us were
sitting on the bench, with me on the extreme left (You will see how this
incident created my phobia of these ‘centrists’). The kid on the extreme right
was asked a question, and stood up to answer. My friend who was at the center,
had just sharpened his pencil, and was looking at it the way Good Will Hunting
probably looked at the math problem on the blackboard, before solving it. And
just as the rightist sat down, the centrist placed the pencil under him, with
extreme dexterity, and care. Sharp point up. And voila! Exit – the pencil. It
disappeared! I shit thee not (Rather inappropriate usage of metaphor in this
case, I admit), gentle reader, whilst thou cringe.
In his defense (The
penciller’s, not the penicillin’s), it was a rather small one. The pencil, that
is. We used pencils till they became stubs. Ummmm…. I shall cease and desist on that point – the imagery
is not too conducive to how much we actually knew anything, about the birds and
the bees (See earlier post explaining this – if you have the patience). But,
damn! The pencil disappeared. I cannot stress this enough. But then, neither
could the guy who received it.
A turning point in
my life, because that was the first time I heard Scandinavian Black Metal
vocals. Even more, that boy could have grown up to be Mariah Carey’s voice
trainer. I mean, the dogs for a few square meters around the school went berserk,
because of the pitch of his voice. No. You should use a dog whistle instead. Do
not try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter. This trick was
actually pretty straight. Not a revolution, or thankfully, even a rotation. But
it lent a whole new interpretation to the expletive ‘up yours’. This was no
mere pencil pusher, who performed the trick.
Talking of which, have you heard about QUASARs? ‘Quasi Stellar’ objects? They apparently are the result of mass from the core of a surrounding galaxy, under the influence of the black hole's gravity, falling onto the black hole's accretion disk. I saw one that day. That goddamned pencil was definitely Quasi Stellarse!
And talking about
space travel, and new dimensions that you arrive in by travelling through a black
hole… I wonder where that pencil ended up. We will probably have to watch Inter Stellarse, to find out. I mean, that pencil… It was the Starship
Enterprise’s equal – “to boldly go where no man had gone before”! I bet you
that kid probably never watched a single episode of Star Trek for the rest of
his life, without forwarding the intro. And, I also bet you he was glad Mr. Spock
was not around. Let us look at this situation in the context of a few of Mr. Spock’s
famous quotes:
“You speak of the
objective hardness of the Vulcan heart, yet how little room there seems to be
in yours.” Yes, Mr. Spock. But unfortunately, the human arse too, has no room for
the objective hardness of a pencil.
“That position Mr.
Scott, would not only be unavailing, but also undignified.” Say that to someone who is bent over with a
pencil stuck in his arse, Mr. Spock. I dare you. I double dare you!
“The fact that my
internal arrangement differs from yours, doctor, pleases me to no end”. That is
exactly what the kid did not say to the doctor, after arriving at the hospital.
And can we stop talking about ‘ends’ already, Mr. Spock??!! Thank you, very
much.
“It is curious how
often humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.” Ya think, Mr. Spock???
Here I was, always dreaming I would obtain a pencil in my colon.
“Has it occurred
to you that there is a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on
things you’ve already made up your mind about?” Aw gee, I am sorry Mr. Spock… I
just asked you if that is a pencil stuck up my arse. I mean, it sure feels like
one. But you see, I just seem unable to turn around, and see it.
“Captain, I see no
reason to stand here, and be insulted”. Stop complaining Mr. Spock! I probably
will not be able to sit down for a long time to come.
“An ancestor of
mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however
improbable, must be the solution.” No shit Sherlock? Literally. And
what do you think the pencil up my arse is Mr.Spock? Impossible, or improbable? Because it
sure feels possible, and very painfully prob(e)able.
“Fascinating is a
word I use for the unexpected; in this case, I think interesting would suffice.”
You know, I would have gone with interesting too, Mr. Spock. Really. You have
no idea how much I expected this to happen. Interesting….
“Captain, your
analysis of the situation was flawless – anticipating that she would deny you
admittance. However, the logic by which you arrive at your conclusion escapes
me.” I anticipated denial of admittance too Mr. Spock. But the evidence by
which I arrived at this conclusion, is something that refuses to escape me.
“You may find that
having is not so pleasing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often
true.” Well, let me enlighten you Mr. Spock. In this situation neither wanting,
or having, are pleasant. I know what I am talking about. Believe me.
“It is somewhat
stimulating. You seem to be moving very slowly, doctor. Fascinating.” Not even
bothering with the response to this one. ROTFLMAO!!!
It was magic all
the way. Here’s the proof: “Every great magic trick consists of three parts or
acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you
something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird, or a man (Or a pencil). He shows
you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real,
unaltered, normal (And unsharpened). But of course, it probably is not. The
second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary
something and makes it do something extraordinary (How can you disagree with
this?). Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of
course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know (You know you
don’t want to look. You know you don’t to know). You want to be fooled. But you
wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to
bring it back (Aye, and there is the difficult part). That's why every magic
trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The
Prestige".” QED.
Let me leave you
with some more really ‘straightforward’ information to ‘chew on’. “A pencil
marked “HB” is hard and black, a pencil marked “HH” is very hard, and a pencil
marked “BBB” is really, really black! Today, however, most pencils using the HB
system are designated by a number, such as 2B, 4B or 2H to indicate the degree
of hardness. For example, a 4B would be softer than a 2B and a 3H harder than
an H.”
No, you perverts. I do not know what kind of a pencil it was, to this day.
No, you perverts. I do not know what kind of a pencil it was, to this day.