Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Audiences, Autodrivers, Cub Scouts and Family Jewels

Think it not loss of time a while to stay,
Tho' thy companions chide thy long delay;
Tho' summon'd to the seas, tho' pleasing gales
Invite thy course, and stretch thy swelling sails:
But beg the sacred priestess to relate
With willing words, and not to write thy fate...
She shall direct thy course, instruct thy mind,
And teach thee how the happy shores to find.
This is what Heav'n allows me to relate:
Now part in peace; pursue thy better fate,

- Virgil in the 'Aenid'

I always loved the turn of phrase these Greek poets had. Translating them into English verse must have been difficult. This particular verse seemed rather apt for the blog (the people who read it.. that is)... Hmmmm... That said, let us begin.

I've been neglecting my blog. I'm sure the millions of people who have been eagerly waiting for the next installment will have been extremely disappointed... And hence here I am... I have this feeling that one of these days I'm going to blog myself into oblivion. Don't ask me what that means,but it does have a cool ring to it methinks.. Not that I care about the number of people who actually read my blog.

" Ditch the IPC, Mahesh... let all the yuppies unite, gather all the coins they can muster, and go and yell 'Talaiva!' " Sheetal says. Good on yer mate! Couldn't agree with you more. Was extremely pleased that someone had deigned to comment (not that it matters to me, how many people comment - just in case i haven't mentioned it before...)

Showed Mrudula what Sheetal had written. Mrudula pointed out that I would probably not qualify to be a 'young' urban professional anymore. Hah! And anyways what does that make me? A Guppie (Geriatric urban professional)?

Getting to office has become quite an absorbing experience. Its around five minutes from my house, by Auto. As soon as I step outside the flat, I light up a cigarette to fortify myself against the coming ordeal, put up a game smiling face and proceed to the auto stand ( one of the 'burning' issues in my life that, quitting smoking - punnintended of course). As soon as they see me coming the Auto Drivers start this little dance that I like to call 'The Auto driver's shuffle'. They all start moving in a random manner so as not to be the first one I approach. If you actually program this movement and put onto a comp, using fractals it should prove extremely interesting. However I'm pretty savvy (or a 'usaar k.d ' as they say in Tamil) and manage to pin one of them down.

I'm smiling now. Showing irritation in any manner now, is the best way to ensure that I walk all the way to office. I had brilliantly deduced, immediately after joining work, that I would have to reach office tomorrow and the day after, and the day after and so on and so forth.. ad infinitum. And hence I would require autos for that. Hence the pleasing smile. Mrudula's method is to tackle all auto drivers with a scowl and BP (Blood Pressure... what else could it be... British Petroleum???) levels that would be fatal in other human beings. I however proudly live upto my family motto - 'Neither strong, nor determined" . This, very strangely, also happens to be the family motto of Jeremy Clarkson ( you know the guy... BBC... Top Gear?).

I tell AD1 (Auto Driver1) where I want to go. He considers this with all the importance that needs to be accorded to it. I mean, lets face it, it is after after all one of the most important decisions he's going to make in life. While he considers it with all the gravity of an earnest new physics graduate contemplating the String Theory, I stand there twiddling my thumbs and smiling... twiddle, twiddle, twiddle...smile, smile, smile. Finally he smiles. Yes, at last !! I can see that he's made up his mind!

He demonstrates his immense decision making skills, by immediately turning around and asking AD2 (Auto Driver 2) "neenu hogthiya?" (will you go? in Kannada). Broader smile, smile, smile, bigger twiddle, twiddle, twiddle. AD2 refuses and the question passes on to AD3 and so on. Finally they all confer ( this discussion would put a UN Security Council meeting on the Israel Palestine issue to shame...). Finally a verdict is reached. They all turn around and smile at me. I immediately know whats the result and start wearily plodding towards office. Maybe some of them would observe my forlorn figure on the horizon and offer to drop me off? Wishful thinking.

This normally absorbing experience was made spectacularly interesting today, by the addition of two new players into the arena. As I approached the Auto stand, I noticed that there was only one Auto there, and this one had been commandeered by a husband and wife team ( At least I think so, hopefully they were not living in sin). The husband was giving the wife instructions on how to reach a certain place in detail. And I mean 'IN DETAIL'. He even told her how many steps she would have to climb from the porch to the reception (seven - if I remember correctly). The AD asked me to wait, indicating that he would be willing to drop me too. It was all I could do to stop singing "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" and dancing around the Auto

I was contemplating the obvious fact that this gentleman had probably spent too much time in the cub scouts ( the husband, not the AD) as a youth (you know their motto - 'be prepared') when it was discovered that wifey had forgotten to bring her cell phone along. The husband refused to allow her to go without it. What if a Tsunami struck Bangalore ( yes I know B'lore is not a coastal city) , or god forbid, there was huge landslide??!! . I mean just because its never happened before, doesn't mean it can never happen in the future, right? Of what help a cellphone can be in those circumstances is beyond me, but after considerable deliberation, it was decided that wife could leave without her mobile, and instead husband would take the auto driver's mobile no.

Alls well that ends well I thought, and then the AD indicated that I would have to sit up in front with him. Obviously. Everyone in India knows that if a man and a woman sit within three feet of each other for period exceeding four minutes (it takes five to reach my office), all kinds of mishaps can occur! Well actually, at the cost of being politically incorrect, having taken a look at her, a million dollars wouldn't have induced me to 'mishap' her. Not that I would have done so otherwise.. let me hasten to add! Mrudula reads this blog y'know!!

We started and travelled for a whole period of two minutes when the AD's mobile rang. Husband had returned with the mobile and wanted the wife to have it. The Auto driver turned to me, asked me to get off and start walking. If I was still walking when he returned with wife and mobile, he magnanimously offered, he would pick me up. Strangely, I had not flown away and was very much walking along the road when he returned.

Got on to the auto, and sat in the front. My feet were straddling the starting lever ( you know that thing they pull up to start the auto...). Auto stopped at signal, AD switched off engine. This is when I realized that if the AD inadvertently started the Auto again, he would have done considerable damage to me, considering that the starting lever was in between my legs. I'd have had to change my name and probably sing soprano for the rest of my life, not to think about the pain...

Gingerly explained to him, that he should give me sufficient warning before starting the Auto. He very kindly complied. Reached office with the family jewels safe. I love Bangalore.

Must remember to thank god for the wellbeing of the Family Jewels. Went to the balcony to smoke. Froze into some kind of ice carving. Mrudula had to come and break me out of it. Damn, this place is bloody cold!!