Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.
- 'Catch 22', Joseph Heller
I've always been impressed with Joseph Heller. And equally with the character of Major Major Major Major. Something about him brings about a sympathetic twinge (or is it empathetic?) in me. The funny thing about Catch 22 is that the first time you read that book, it's funny. The second time it's a serious book. The third time over its a very sad story. Funny, that. And that said, let us begin.
I know I have been neglecting my blog and have decided to come back with a bang. Hopefully the bang will not be due to 2 kg's of explosives packed beneath my toilet seat, by irate readers of my latest post. Come to think of it, with this post I have a higher probability of being gone with a bang. I'm treading on thin ice here. Come to think of it, I'm actually treading on no ice at all. But in the interests of moral convictions (Yes, surprise! surprise! I happen to have some. If you're interested, let me know, and for a convincing price I could sell them to you if you want some) I have decided to most nobly proceed with publishing my views. Man, I'm getting so noble these days, I make myself sick. Anyways, proceed at your own peril. While the views expressed here are entirely the author's, he asserts the right to not own up to them. Depending on who's asking . Especially if you're an MBA, six feet ten, built like a refrigerator and live within a 100km radius of Bangalore. I know deadly Kung Fu techniques and will not hesitate to use them at the least provocation. But just let me know before you knock on my door will ya? I need some time to reserve tickets, see?
It's a little weird. What is a little weird, you ask? I qualified as an MBA, some time back. The weird thing being that I qualified and not that the MBA is.
There are two kinds of people on the face of planet Earth. There are people and there are 'MBA's. For the poor souls out there, who haven't been fortunate enough to have done one (An MBA I mean, I know what all you dirty buggers thought immediately though, Ha Ha), this is my chance to gloat. You poor poor people! Y'all do know that you're not going to heaven don't you? They don't let people in there who're not MBA's. Most probably you guys ain't going to hell as well, considering the fact its probably overcrowded with MBA's already. I mean if lying were money, then us MBA's would be the richest people on the face of the Earth. Actually, we probably are. All those rich 'Finance' dudes, in white shirts and designer ties? Where do you think they learnt how to deceive all you naive people out of your money? At Sunday School? Anyways, the long and the short of the matter is that you peops are going to be stuck somewhere in limbo, between hell and heaven, gnashing your teeth, and screaming 'Amma, You were right! I should have prepared for CAT instead of watching _____ ". Fill in the blanks with the name of that cute girl next door/ the Rajini movie that came out during your era/ porn. You know the one I'm talking about. Serves you doubly right for not listening to your mother too. Though god help you if she ever came to know that you were watching porn. Your mother I mean, not the cute girl next door. Women may avoid filling up the blanks. I may be brave, but I'm not stupid. But, you'll also be stuck in limbo. There's no escaping that. Unless you're an MBA, of course
See, apart from consideration of the state of your mortal soul, another reason you're going to regret not having done your MBA, is that we MBA's are special. Some of you may have noticed that. Every time one of us walks into an organization we have this air of 'You small people better treat me with respect because I have these three alphabets attached to my name'. And no, the three letters are not A-S-S. Or S-O-B either, come to think of it. All you mere mortals will just have to deal with the fact that having those three letters behind us ( and this time its definitely not A-S-S), makes us better than all the rest of you. When we walk in to an organization there are only certain jobs or designations that should be assigned to us. Something preferably along the lines of "God of Strategy", or "Big Kahuna of Marketing" or better still "Chief Genius Savvy Financial Whiz". Anything lesser is an insult. Unfortunately most of the world doesn't seem to recognize this fact. Why this happens we can't understand. I mean an MBA can hardly be expected to work under such mundane titles as 'manager' or 'executive' can he/she? Come on! You know we can't. In the absence of the aforementioned favourable titles, we might just settle for CEO, CFO or CIO as a compromise. But it's still a compromise mind you. I hear however, that the rest of the world often refers to us as "Pompous P@#ck", "Smart Ass" or just plain "Will no one rid me of this bloody pain in my rectum". Well in all fairness, people with Piles, and people who have just been kicked in the ass, also often use the last epithet, and hence it may not be limited in its application to MBA's.
The one thing I've learnt as an MBA is that you can take the man (or the woman, to be politically correct, or wrong as you'll find when you read on) out of the MBA course, but you CANNOT take the MBA out of the person. MBA actually translates to 'Well I don't know much about reality, but I've learnt all this stuff after paying shitloads of money, so you guys'd better listen to what I have to say (never matter that it's not in the least relevant)'. Remember this the next time someone asks you a complicated question like "Nasty weather we're having, isn't it?". All you deluded souls would probably answer that question with a simple "Yeah duude!". It takes an MBA to see the intricate details involved in that situation and come up with an answer like " Well actually as part of the global warming scene and the El Nino effect and this low pressure thats been building up over Uganda, and due to the fractal nature of weather patterns and the butterfly effect and the fact that ruminants have been flatulating all over the world (non MBA's read: Cattle have been farting) excessively this quarter YOY (non MBA's read: recently), leading to a hydrocarbon buildup, I think this kind of weather pattern was rather inevitable at Bangalore'. Who's going to visit Uganda in the near future, or god forbid actually go and see whether the cattle in the neighbourhood actually..... You get what I'm saying right?
Which is one more reason why the world is so unorganized. In the ideal MBA world a spade would be 'an earth inverting gardening tool' and knife would be a 'segmentation utility'. Signs would say "To stop train, pull value chain" and "Connecting concrete structure spanning an underlying depression 10 minutes away measured YTD" (you'd be more familiar with 'bridge ahead'). What's the use of world that doesn't let you use 'underlying' 'spanning' and 'depression' in the same breath, I ask? Hah! And of course for the people who are labouring under the serious misapprehension that there is something called the real world, I have two words ( No, no, I meant 'Forget it'). The real world exists only in power point presentations. If you can't do a decent PPT ( oh, that's suave slang for 'power point presentation'. Learn this acronym. Its probably the most important thing in your life!), your life is wasted. Anybody who tells you otherwise is wrong, or has not done an MBA.
There are advantages to being an MBA, which are beyond the reach of the pitiful majority, who have not evolved to the next level (which is obviously - 'MBA'). An MBA is a pre-requisite to 'Consult'. 'Consulting' is the MBA equivalent of going out on a date with Salma Hayek, Isabelle Adjani and Juliette Binoche. At the same time. Which is kind of funny, because until before I did my MBA, I always thought this was something which my Doctor did to me when I had, say..... a stomach upset. He 'consulted' on me, nothing else, before you let your imagination run wild. And as a consultant you get to advise people on how to run their affairs. That is their day to day working, not anything exotic, let me stress. This way you get to experiment and since you've couched your advise in phrases like the ones above on the weather, once things go wrong, you can always say "I told you so". And if you're that kind of a person you can wiggle your index finger under the nose of the poor slob who's taking the axe for following your instructions, when you're saying it. What other job can offer this kind of emotional satisfaction? Nothing else, though being a professional beer taster might just make the mark.
If you can't be an MBA, you could always try to act like one. Here are a few tips:
The next time you want to ask that cute chick in the next cubicle out, try doing it the MBA way. Make a PPT listing the advantages of accepting your proposal (remember to add 'value chain' 'segmentation' 'options' and 'future (s)' in it somewhere) and send it to her. When you meet her next, arrogantly ask her "so where do we go babe?" The results I promise you, will be thrilling. Well, if not for you, then at least for the people in the next fifteen or so cubicles around you.
Remember to answer most questions with "It depends". Please avoid using this however, for certain questions like "What's your mother's name?" or "Will you marry me?" or "Do you have any contagious diseases?".
This is in case of a life threatening situation. If you and another person are stranded on a four feet lifeboat, a few hundred miles from land, refuse to row, until you've been designated as "Captain of the ship". If the other person is an MBA, immediately designate him as "Captain" (or he'll refuse to row). If both of you are MBA's jump off and try to swim for land. It'll be faster.
Let us all in our prayers tonight, bow down to the infinite wisdom of the lord god, who put the idea into someone's head, of creating something called the 'MBA'.
A parting word to the wise. Never forget Clint Eastwood's eternal words in "Dirty Harry" - "Opinions are like a#*e holes, everybody's got one."
- 'Catch 22', Joseph Heller
I've always been impressed with Joseph Heller. And equally with the character of Major Major Major Major. Something about him brings about a sympathetic twinge (or is it empathetic?) in me. The funny thing about Catch 22 is that the first time you read that book, it's funny. The second time it's a serious book. The third time over its a very sad story. Funny, that. And that said, let us begin.
I know I have been neglecting my blog and have decided to come back with a bang. Hopefully the bang will not be due to 2 kg's of explosives packed beneath my toilet seat, by irate readers of my latest post. Come to think of it, with this post I have a higher probability of being gone with a bang. I'm treading on thin ice here. Come to think of it, I'm actually treading on no ice at all. But in the interests of moral convictions (Yes, surprise! surprise! I happen to have some. If you're interested, let me know, and for a convincing price I could sell them to you if you want some) I have decided to most nobly proceed with publishing my views. Man, I'm getting so noble these days, I make myself sick. Anyways, proceed at your own peril. While the views expressed here are entirely the author's, he asserts the right to not own up to them. Depending on who's asking . Especially if you're an MBA, six feet ten, built like a refrigerator and live within a 100km radius of Bangalore. I know deadly Kung Fu techniques and will not hesitate to use them at the least provocation. But just let me know before you knock on my door will ya? I need some time to reserve tickets, see?
It's a little weird. What is a little weird, you ask? I qualified as an MBA, some time back. The weird thing being that I qualified and not that the MBA is.
There are two kinds of people on the face of planet Earth. There are people and there are 'MBA's. For the poor souls out there, who haven't been fortunate enough to have done one (An MBA I mean, I know what all you dirty buggers thought immediately though, Ha Ha), this is my chance to gloat. You poor poor people! Y'all do know that you're not going to heaven don't you? They don't let people in there who're not MBA's. Most probably you guys ain't going to hell as well, considering the fact its probably overcrowded with MBA's already. I mean if lying were money, then us MBA's would be the richest people on the face of the Earth. Actually, we probably are. All those rich 'Finance' dudes, in white shirts and designer ties? Where do you think they learnt how to deceive all you naive people out of your money? At Sunday School? Anyways, the long and the short of the matter is that you peops are going to be stuck somewhere in limbo, between hell and heaven, gnashing your teeth, and screaming 'Amma, You were right! I should have prepared for CAT instead of watching _____ ". Fill in the blanks with the name of that cute girl next door/ the Rajini movie that came out during your era/ porn. You know the one I'm talking about. Serves you doubly right for not listening to your mother too. Though god help you if she ever came to know that you were watching porn. Your mother I mean, not the cute girl next door. Women may avoid filling up the blanks. I may be brave, but I'm not stupid. But, you'll also be stuck in limbo. There's no escaping that. Unless you're an MBA, of course
See, apart from consideration of the state of your mortal soul, another reason you're going to regret not having done your MBA, is that we MBA's are special. Some of you may have noticed that. Every time one of us walks into an organization we have this air of 'You small people better treat me with respect because I have these three alphabets attached to my name'. And no, the three letters are not A-S-S. Or S-O-B either, come to think of it. All you mere mortals will just have to deal with the fact that having those three letters behind us ( and this time its definitely not A-S-S), makes us better than all the rest of you. When we walk in to an organization there are only certain jobs or designations that should be assigned to us. Something preferably along the lines of "God of Strategy", or "Big Kahuna of Marketing" or better still "Chief Genius Savvy Financial Whiz". Anything lesser is an insult. Unfortunately most of the world doesn't seem to recognize this fact. Why this happens we can't understand. I mean an MBA can hardly be expected to work under such mundane titles as 'manager' or 'executive' can he/she? Come on! You know we can't. In the absence of the aforementioned favourable titles, we might just settle for CEO, CFO or CIO as a compromise. But it's still a compromise mind you. I hear however, that the rest of the world often refers to us as "Pompous P@#ck", "Smart Ass" or just plain "Will no one rid me of this bloody pain in my rectum". Well in all fairness, people with Piles, and people who have just been kicked in the ass, also often use the last epithet, and hence it may not be limited in its application to MBA's.
The one thing I've learnt as an MBA is that you can take the man (or the woman, to be politically correct, or wrong as you'll find when you read on) out of the MBA course, but you CANNOT take the MBA out of the person. MBA actually translates to 'Well I don't know much about reality, but I've learnt all this stuff after paying shitloads of money, so you guys'd better listen to what I have to say (never matter that it's not in the least relevant)'. Remember this the next time someone asks you a complicated question like "Nasty weather we're having, isn't it?". All you deluded souls would probably answer that question with a simple "Yeah duude!". It takes an MBA to see the intricate details involved in that situation and come up with an answer like " Well actually as part of the global warming scene and the El Nino effect and this low pressure thats been building up over Uganda, and due to the fractal nature of weather patterns and the butterfly effect and the fact that ruminants have been flatulating all over the world (non MBA's read: Cattle have been farting) excessively this quarter YOY (non MBA's read: recently), leading to a hydrocarbon buildup, I think this kind of weather pattern was rather inevitable at Bangalore'. Who's going to visit Uganda in the near future, or god forbid actually go and see whether the cattle in the neighbourhood actually..... You get what I'm saying right?
Which is one more reason why the world is so unorganized. In the ideal MBA world a spade would be 'an earth inverting gardening tool' and knife would be a 'segmentation utility'. Signs would say "To stop train, pull value chain" and "Connecting concrete structure spanning an underlying depression 10 minutes away measured YTD" (you'd be more familiar with 'bridge ahead'). What's the use of world that doesn't let you use 'underlying' 'spanning' and 'depression' in the same breath, I ask? Hah! And of course for the people who are labouring under the serious misapprehension that there is something called the real world, I have two words ( No, no, I meant 'Forget it'). The real world exists only in power point presentations. If you can't do a decent PPT ( oh, that's suave slang for 'power point presentation'. Learn this acronym. Its probably the most important thing in your life!), your life is wasted. Anybody who tells you otherwise is wrong, or has not done an MBA.
There are advantages to being an MBA, which are beyond the reach of the pitiful majority, who have not evolved to the next level (which is obviously - 'MBA'). An MBA is a pre-requisite to 'Consult'. 'Consulting' is the MBA equivalent of going out on a date with Salma Hayek, Isabelle Adjani and Juliette Binoche. At the same time. Which is kind of funny, because until before I did my MBA, I always thought this was something which my Doctor did to me when I had, say..... a stomach upset. He 'consulted' on me, nothing else, before you let your imagination run wild. And as a consultant you get to advise people on how to run their affairs. That is their day to day working, not anything exotic, let me stress. This way you get to experiment and since you've couched your advise in phrases like the ones above on the weather, once things go wrong, you can always say "I told you so". And if you're that kind of a person you can wiggle your index finger under the nose of the poor slob who's taking the axe for following your instructions, when you're saying it. What other job can offer this kind of emotional satisfaction? Nothing else, though being a professional beer taster might just make the mark.
If you can't be an MBA, you could always try to act like one. Here are a few tips:
The next time you want to ask that cute chick in the next cubicle out, try doing it the MBA way. Make a PPT listing the advantages of accepting your proposal (remember to add 'value chain' 'segmentation' 'options' and 'future (s)' in it somewhere) and send it to her. When you meet her next, arrogantly ask her "so where do we go babe?" The results I promise you, will be thrilling. Well, if not for you, then at least for the people in the next fifteen or so cubicles around you.
Remember to answer most questions with "It depends". Please avoid using this however, for certain questions like "What's your mother's name?" or "Will you marry me?" or "Do you have any contagious diseases?".
This is in case of a life threatening situation. If you and another person are stranded on a four feet lifeboat, a few hundred miles from land, refuse to row, until you've been designated as "Captain of the ship". If the other person is an MBA, immediately designate him as "Captain" (or he'll refuse to row). If both of you are MBA's jump off and try to swim for land. It'll be faster.
Let us all in our prayers tonight, bow down to the infinite wisdom of the lord god, who put the idea into someone's head, of creating something called the 'MBA'.
A parting word to the wise. Never forget Clint Eastwood's eternal words in "Dirty Harry" - "Opinions are like a#*e holes, everybody's got one."
