"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pitch and moment in this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action."
- Shakespeare (Hamlet)
I sort of like that line a lot... difficult to understand.. but has nice ring to it, wot? I think what the Hamlet dude is saying, is something to the effect of "Wassup?" I maybe wrong of course, and he may be talking about the deforestation of the Amazon basin and how it affects the 'natives'. Or whether the ball will spin because of the showers on the 'pitch' yesterday... Or that electricity/'current' supply in Bihar is not up to the mark... Or the new 'action' flick Rambo, sucks... Take your pick... And that said let us begin.
I've been planning this one a long time, and now it's time to deliver. And before you ask, no, I am not a part time gynaecologist. I owe Sheetal this post, big time. As a taggee (person who's been tagged - my contribution to the queen's English), I was supposed to answer five questions, all of which are things I'd rather not address in my usual, serious, concise prose (posts on family, friends, love etc.). Not because of anything else, but for the fact that I value my miserable hide. I'd make very poor shoes or handbags or sofa upholstery. Especially, family. I mean the LCN (No, not Liver Candy Nose, its La Cosa Nostra) can't shine a candle to my family when they get it into their minds to enforce Omerta..... "Sleeping with the fishes" would seem a lovely holiday. Can you imagine waking up to make your own coffee? AAAAAA!!!! Yes, I'm a lazy bastard.... but on the other hand...unlike y'all, I 'wake up and smell the coffee'. So, who's a bigger idiom, now?
Talking about 'sleeping with fishes' (sticking to my usual habit of sticking to one topic - laser focus ha, ha), apparently mermaids used to seduce sailors in days of yore.Ummmm.. aren't mermaids supposed to be fish from the waist down?? So, how would a mermaid seduce... Well, to each man, his own.... But if any of my learned audience can figure out how this was done, do write in...and fill in what seems to be a vital gap in my knowledge of the birds and the bees (and mermaids apparently).
On another related topic why 'birds and bees' I always wondered. I mean most of my knowledge on the subject was from wildlife documentaries, in general. And of course, from flowers touching each other at crucial times during song sequences in true Indian movie fashion, in particular. Like any competent Indian adolescent (I could be wrong here - about the 'competent' bit and probably also the 'any' bit), I'd assumed that that's what really happened. Which on the whole didn't do me any good. Ever see this documentary where the female praying mantis bites off the head of the male, while in the act of procreating, or the one which has huge ugly Elephant seals cavorting on the beach?? Well, all things considered, not the best of images. According to the all seeing oracle, governing my life (in this particular instance it goes by the name of 'Wikipedia', usually it goes by the name 'the missus') the terms 'birds and bees' comes from a Cole Porter song (which was titled 'Let's do it' - interesting coincidence wot, wot?). Apparently the lines go like this:
Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
At least, there is something to be said for educated fleas. They're also called MBA's, apparently. Consequently the song could be re-written to be "Even MBA's do it". And if they do it, anyone can. Obviously - remember George Dubya Bush is an MBA from Harvard - the very first American president to hold that degree - need I say more?? But why 'birds and bees' I fail to see. Why not 'Hippopotami and Ostriches'? (I don't seem to have lost my 'Ostrich Fantasy' as Sheetal calls it...) Hmmm... can you imagine the outcome if a Hippo and an Ostrich did it? Apart from presumably, a squished Ostrich. An Ostrohip, perhaps? This would probably be something for the next Harry Potter book. There will obviously be another one (would you give up on such a big money spinner, even if you were Rowling in the stuff, like J.K currently is?)
Speaking of which, here are some plausible plots for the next book/movie in the long and boring (and largely unknown parts of the) history of Hairy Plodder, Herwhiny Grunger, and Runt Measly:
Warning: Rated PGA (Parental Guidance Advised) - I could never figure out why parents would 'guide' their children to see or hear any stuff rated PGA or which kid would ask his parents for 'guidance' about this new tape thats got some really 'nice, new' words, or that video featuring the latest Playboy Bunnies??!! As far as these things went, in my era, we used to to consider them PGA too. But PGA stood for Parental Guidance Avoidable.
Anyways, if the PGA tag hasn't piqued your curiosity and made you want to read on... God help you.
Hairy, Herwhiny and Runt together discover a radical new method of lighting up their long, dreary and unnecessary nocturnal adventures at Warthogs, without using their wands. The movie of the book is a blockbuster... Eminem does the 'incendiary' title track, covering a number by his 'dear friend' Elton John and summarizing the radical new method of lighting ... "Candle in the ass" goes multi-platinum!!
Hairy and Herwhiny experiment extensively on Runt Measly, and prove that the fourth deadly curse can be used to cure certain conditions. They patent it and become millionaires. Runt Measly is never known by the same name again. 'Lettherebe Viagra!!" is an 'outstanding' success!
Principal Dumbodork perceives the great threat to Hairy’s life and proceeds to instruct him in the only skill that will help Hairy overcome the odds. Hairy is instructed in the ancient art of ‘buggery’ (that’s Chinese magic for getting rid of Mosquitoes, and not anything else you might be thinking of).
Hairy moves to another game, which has simpler rules than Quidditch. A leader flies around the field trying to catch an Ostrohip, which predictably cannot fly, while opposing team members pair off as klotzwinkles (centre right backward positions), who try to sing the Warthog anthem while drinking fermented dragon milk at the same time, boozetinkles (up, down and anywhere positions), who try to goose each other with their wands while trying to prevent the klotzwinkles from singing, by banging loudly on the drums that are carried by the swingledingles (there go your goolies position), who try to stop the leader (I’ve lost my marbles position) by giving him broomstick wedgies. No one wins until everyone loses. Games often continue for days, by which time the leader develops a castrato tone due to the number of wedgies. This may be the reason the game is called Squishit.
Hairy discovers that he can speak Parsley tongue, the language of vegetables. The rest of the book is a conversation between him and a stalk of Spinach. The book is considered to be more interesting all the other Hairy Plodder books put together. The fans lap it up as unquestioningly, as usual. The book is critically acclaimed and gives rise to a huge burst of demand for Spinach. Third world agrarian countries prosper. J.K Rowling wins the Nobel Prize for Economics (the committee for the Nobel prize for literature having to be committed to an asylum after reading the book).
If you’re a Harry Potter fan, and would like to see me in the near future, please do make an appointment. I’m in the process of collating reasons why I’d rather not meet you in person (refer line on shoes, handbags and sofa upholstery in para 2).
- Shakespeare (Hamlet)
I sort of like that line a lot... difficult to understand.. but has nice ring to it, wot? I think what the Hamlet dude is saying, is something to the effect of "Wassup?" I maybe wrong of course, and he may be talking about the deforestation of the Amazon basin and how it affects the 'natives'. Or whether the ball will spin because of the showers on the 'pitch' yesterday... Or that electricity/'current' supply in Bihar is not up to the mark... Or the new 'action' flick Rambo, sucks... Take your pick... And that said let us begin.
I've been planning this one a long time, and now it's time to deliver. And before you ask, no, I am not a part time gynaecologist. I owe Sheetal this post, big time. As a taggee (person who's been tagged - my contribution to the queen's English), I was supposed to answer five questions, all of which are things I'd rather not address in my usual, serious, concise prose (posts on family, friends, love etc.). Not because of anything else, but for the fact that I value my miserable hide. I'd make very poor shoes or handbags or sofa upholstery. Especially, family. I mean the LCN (No, not Liver Candy Nose, its La Cosa Nostra) can't shine a candle to my family when they get it into their minds to enforce Omerta..... "Sleeping with the fishes" would seem a lovely holiday. Can you imagine waking up to make your own coffee? AAAAAA!!!! Yes, I'm a lazy bastard.... but on the other hand...unlike y'all, I 'wake up and smell the coffee'. So, who's a bigger idiom, now?
Talking about 'sleeping with fishes' (sticking to my usual habit of sticking to one topic - laser focus ha, ha), apparently mermaids used to seduce sailors in days of yore.Ummmm.. aren't mermaids supposed to be fish from the waist down?? So, how would a mermaid seduce... Well, to each man, his own.... But if any of my learned audience can figure out how this was done, do write in...and fill in what seems to be a vital gap in my knowledge of the birds and the bees (and mermaids apparently).
On another related topic why 'birds and bees' I always wondered. I mean most of my knowledge on the subject was from wildlife documentaries, in general. And of course, from flowers touching each other at crucial times during song sequences in true Indian movie fashion, in particular. Like any competent Indian adolescent (I could be wrong here - about the 'competent' bit and probably also the 'any' bit), I'd assumed that that's what really happened. Which on the whole didn't do me any good. Ever see this documentary where the female praying mantis bites off the head of the male, while in the act of procreating, or the one which has huge ugly Elephant seals cavorting on the beach?? Well, all things considered, not the best of images. According to the all seeing oracle, governing my life (in this particular instance it goes by the name of 'Wikipedia', usually it goes by the name 'the missus') the terms 'birds and bees' comes from a Cole Porter song (which was titled 'Let's do it' - interesting coincidence wot, wot?). Apparently the lines go like this:
Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
At least, there is something to be said for educated fleas. They're also called MBA's, apparently. Consequently the song could be re-written to be "Even MBA's do it". And if they do it, anyone can. Obviously - remember George Dubya Bush is an MBA from Harvard - the very first American president to hold that degree - need I say more?? But why 'birds and bees' I fail to see. Why not 'Hippopotami and Ostriches'? (I don't seem to have lost my 'Ostrich Fantasy' as Sheetal calls it...) Hmmm... can you imagine the outcome if a Hippo and an Ostrich did it? Apart from presumably, a squished Ostrich. An Ostrohip, perhaps? This would probably be something for the next Harry Potter book. There will obviously be another one (would you give up on such a big money spinner, even if you were Rowling in the stuff, like J.K currently is?)
Speaking of which, here are some plausible plots for the next book/movie in the long and boring (and largely unknown parts of the) history of Hairy Plodder, Herwhiny Grunger, and Runt Measly:
Warning: Rated PGA (Parental Guidance Advised) - I could never figure out why parents would 'guide' their children to see or hear any stuff rated PGA or which kid would ask his parents for 'guidance' about this new tape thats got some really 'nice, new' words, or that video featuring the latest Playboy Bunnies??!! As far as these things went, in my era, we used to to consider them PGA too. But PGA stood for Parental Guidance Avoidable.
Anyways, if the PGA tag hasn't piqued your curiosity and made you want to read on... God help you.
Hairy, Herwhiny and Runt together discover a radical new method of lighting up their long, dreary and unnecessary nocturnal adventures at Warthogs, without using their wands. The movie of the book is a blockbuster... Eminem does the 'incendiary' title track, covering a number by his 'dear friend' Elton John and summarizing the radical new method of lighting ... "Candle in the ass" goes multi-platinum!!
Hairy and Herwhiny experiment extensively on Runt Measly, and prove that the fourth deadly curse can be used to cure certain conditions. They patent it and become millionaires. Runt Measly is never known by the same name again. 'Lettherebe Viagra!!" is an 'outstanding' success!
Principal Dumbodork perceives the great threat to Hairy’s life and proceeds to instruct him in the only skill that will help Hairy overcome the odds. Hairy is instructed in the ancient art of ‘buggery’ (that’s Chinese magic for getting rid of Mosquitoes, and not anything else you might be thinking of).
Hairy moves to another game, which has simpler rules than Quidditch. A leader flies around the field trying to catch an Ostrohip, which predictably cannot fly, while opposing team members pair off as klotzwinkles (centre right backward positions), who try to sing the Warthog anthem while drinking fermented dragon milk at the same time, boozetinkles (up, down and anywhere positions), who try to goose each other with their wands while trying to prevent the klotzwinkles from singing, by banging loudly on the drums that are carried by the swingledingles (there go your goolies position), who try to stop the leader (I’ve lost my marbles position) by giving him broomstick wedgies. No one wins until everyone loses. Games often continue for days, by which time the leader develops a castrato tone due to the number of wedgies. This may be the reason the game is called Squishit.
Hairy discovers that he can speak Parsley tongue, the language of vegetables. The rest of the book is a conversation between him and a stalk of Spinach. The book is considered to be more interesting all the other Hairy Plodder books put together. The fans lap it up as unquestioningly, as usual. The book is critically acclaimed and gives rise to a huge burst of demand for Spinach. Third world agrarian countries prosper. J.K Rowling wins the Nobel Prize for Economics (the committee for the Nobel prize for literature having to be committed to an asylum after reading the book).
If you’re a Harry Potter fan, and would like to see me in the near future, please do make an appointment. I’m in the process of collating reasons why I’d rather not meet you in person (refer line on shoes, handbags and sofa upholstery in para 2).
