Friday, January 11, 2008

Idiots, Ostriches, Alfred.E.Neuman, Spaceships and Parathas

"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen die Götter selbst vergebens". (Against Stupidity, the Gods Themselves Contend in Vain)

- Friedrich von Schiller, Jungfrau von Orleans (Maid of Orleans)


This guy (Schiller) was apparently a contemporary of Goethe. The surprising thing is that he got this at an age when I would assume there were lesser number of idiots around. I shall prove this conclusively in the following part of this blog (assuming that proof is required for something that I, Mahesh, contend is true...). Yes, all this and modesty too... That said, let us begin.


But first, after a long hiatus, I am back, and I'm sure all my readers who were clamoring for more are extremely gratified. There was a vast number of people (ummm.. OK!! Three, if you really MUST know!!! ) who respectfully enquired as to my health, when I took a brief respite from blogging. "Has he become sane" they wondered, "Has he stopped blogging" they wondered. And then they decided that it wasn't that big a loss to mankind, and went on with their lives. Genius should never expect to get appreciated in its own time. Actually, when I made a formal announcement to a certain section of my friends that I would be blogging again, they were deliriously happy, and there was dancing in the streets. It had nothing to do with the fact that we were all several pitchers of beer down (several pitchers each, not several collectively- you understand) that day, I'm sure (the dancing, not my blogging again). Hmmm... maybe 'deliriously' wasn't the best word to use in that context?


I'm concerned. Yes, me. For those of you who know me, this will be reason for concern - that Mahesh is concerned about ANYTHING. "I mean, this is the guy who's only major concern in life is walking straight!! And even that concern, only emerges after those looong Saturday night parties!! Well actually Sundays too.. and maybe another three or four days in the week.. but not too many, mind you...") Ah, gentle reader, as much as the Ostrich in my constitution tries to assert itself.... I am unable to bury my head in the sand and pretend that the problem does not exist.


OK, for those of you who are woefully uninformed about Ostriches (how anyone can not know about this in the present day and world I can't understand. I mean, after all, isn't the life and times of Ostriches part of every elementary schooling curriculum?), let me save you a trip to Wikipedia. For some time in the past it was assumed that the response of this avian equivalent of Einstein, to danger, was to bury its head in the sand and hope that it would go away (the danger, that is). A most educated response, I must say. On a completely different note, there's something that I've always wanted to do. Find an Ostrich with its head in the sand; give it a swift kick in the butt, and run away before it pulls its head out. Whoa! Now that's my idea of fun!! Well, for those of you who don't appreciate this, just picture yourself as the Ostrich, and your flow of emotions (and expletives) when this happens to you.. geddit? Ha, Ha! A word to the wise though. Apparently Ostriches kick, and a kick from an ostrich can apparently disembowel a Lion. So once you kick the Ostrich, you'd better run like you were the Ostrich, and your tail feathers were on fire. I mean, if it were to kick you a little lower, you wouldn't be disemboweled. You would be Dis-somethingelsed. And believe me, disemboweling would be better than getting dis-somethingelsed.


OK.. enough said about avian genius, lets move on to my pressing 'concern'. I see so much about 'Global Warming' 'Global Pollution Levels' 'Global Warfare' etc., and I'm concerned. Concerned that we're missing out on the biggest threat to all mankind. "Global Stupidity'.


There are signs all around us that people are becoming more and more stupid, and we just refuse to acknowledge this. And even if the rest of you don't see this happening, I do. Let me prove it to you. Over the last few years, the kind of statements that I hear around me/ questions I've been asked/people I've met, have led me to believe that while the amount of IQ in this world is constant, the number of people sharing it is steadily increasing. You go do the math. There was this friend of mine who asked me recently if I knew any men who were handsome, erudite and rich (and before you let your imagination wander... the friend was of the female gender. Wander about the friend, I meant, not about me. Obviously). "Erudite"??? I mean what kind of person 'digs' an 'erudite' male??? Sounds like some kind of fat person.. Well its any day better than 'Hirsute' I guess...Hmmm... anyways those kind of questions are the ones I'm talking about. The only person who I know answers that description (handsome erudite etc. not hirsute) is this iconic American called Alfred.E.Neuman (this time, no spoon feeding. Go Wiki!!). This youth has been at the forefront of the fight against stupidity since 1954 (and has aged surprisingly little).


His contributions to the fight against stupidity range from becoming the mascot of one of the most 'erudite' (do you hear me snigger?) magazines to come out since the dawn of time, to making earth shatteringly logical statements such as:


"It's not the ups and downs in life that are problem. It's the jerks"


and


"Most people have minds like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set"


Well, I didn't in all sincerity suggest Alfred to her. But yes, the fact remains that more and more people are asking questions like that. Just today, someone asked me "How do you maintain your beard?" I was stumped. I was tempted to say "I have this guy who comes in every weekend dude? And then gives me the works with a lawn mower and a pair of gardening shears... Amazing what those instruments can do". Well, I can't imagine what his reaction would have been, had I said this..(And no!! He gives my beard the works!!! My beard you hear??!! Before all your itinerant imaginations go to work again..) Well that question was actually tolerable. As compared to people, who come up to me when I'm eating and ask me "Having lunch a?". What does it look like?? "No, oh my god!! how could you even think that?? This is how I excrete." Or, "Had a hair cut a?" (the 'a' is mandatory in Indian English. I think it qualifies as a genitive form of the adverb declined in the past participatory tense. And its Geni 'tive' geddit? Geni 'tive'). My answer to the hair cut problem was "No, its winter. I usually moult in winter".


The high point came when some one mailed me recently and wrote "pls feel me for any clarification required". Excuse me?? What made it worse (in a perverse way of course...) was that this was from a male colleague.. Not that receiving such a statement from a female colleague would have me shouting from the rooftops in joy, I must confess. Well, this is when the stupidity barrier kicks in. The stupidity barrier is something like the "Jedi Force" (remember your physics? Electromagnetic, gravitic, weak, strong and Jedi forces? The five fundamental forces?) The effect of the barrier is to make you wish, that you lived "once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away" (if you can't connect Jedi force with that phrase... I have only one suggestion.. Wiki the phrase and look for specific topics that have 89.4% relevance. I'm assuming that if you've read this far, you don't have anything better to do)


So, in response to the mail, I put on my velvet smoking jacket, sat down and composed this exquisitely polite and immensely insulting mail to the interlocutor in question.(Does the use of 'interlocutor' make me an 'erudite' person? Hah!!) I expected him to cringe in discomfort, squirm in the throes of my masterly, rapier sharp, wit. I miscalculated.


What I received back as a response was broad sweeping swathe of utter imbecility, with a vote of thanks for having replied, a copy to my superior asking him if I was right, and of course and invitation to "feel me for any 'further' clarification" (punctuation inserted by author i.e. the person with whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of identifying with, by means of the perpendicular pronoun - in other words, they were inserted by I. Nice grammar there, wot?? More evidence of my erudition or your not having heard about Anthony Jay and Jonathan Lynn - take your pick. I'd prefer you pick the first option, though. "My erudition" - sounds kinky huh? ). Anyways, the stupidity barrier kicked in again. The man was simply impervious to sarcasm and wit. It was I who was left cringing and squirming at my inability to permeate the dense screen of idiocy surrounding him. I was also left cringing at my inability to kick him in the family jewels (goolies if you must... do ostriches have family jewels? Hmmmm....) resoundingly.


The cut to the chase being, that stupid people are impervious to the fact they are stupid!! There is nothing you can say, short of "you dumb m*&%af*%$a!!!" (And if you don't know what that means.. go figure. And no, I don't think wikipedia has a section on this particular turn of phrase). Does anybody realize that these people are breeding like mice? (if not Ostriches.. I shall keep the breeding habits of Ostriches for another day) And since they are in a majority already (stupid people, not ostriches - bird brains!!), one day this world is going to be run by them. In fact, there's enough evidence all around that it's already being run by them. Just watch the news on T.V for justification.


The only way to solve this problem is to leave them and fly away to another galaxy, far far away (to take a page out of Douglas Adam's book, but in the reverse - the idea, not the page). I have the plans for the spaceship. Donations are welcome. Once I have it built, I shall decide who gets to fly away. Depending on what kind of donations are received. Beer is the most favoured form of donation though, as it helps me think better on the intricacies involved in designing such an advanced technological invention. I've put in an order for a dozen Mice, three Pigeons, one Yeti, and of course, one Ostrich, to power the new bionic engine for this spaceship. If this doesn't impress you, and send you running to buy me beer, then I'm sorry. You'll just have to deal with being left behind; when all us smart people fly to the galaxy, far far away. Which connects in with my earlier point on being surprised at Von Schiller recognizing this epidemic of stupidity, so early in the century. There must definitely have been lesser idiots then, than exist now… Hence proved (Hah!!)


In the eternal words of my hero Alfred.E.Neuman, "A fool and his money are soon parted". In the eternal words of my hero Alfred.E.Neuman's biggest fan (me of course, do you really deserve a place on my spaceship??) "People who wake up in the morning, wondering whether to scratch their watches, or wind their asses are the world's biggest problem, today"


On a tangential topic, I came upon an alternate form of life a week ago. It was called a 'Kerala Paratha'. This thing insidiously cons you into putting it into your innards, and then clogs your internal plumbing for a minimum period of three days. The only way to dislodge it is a strong dose of "Kiwi Drainex" or some industrial strength pipe cleaning solution. You realize you've made a mistake, when you put it into your mouth and then realize that it has exquisite texture and subtle taste of a cycle tire left out in the sun for three and a half days. But by then, it has control over your mind and you have to swallow (add to it the fact that spitting food out isn't completely accepted in all levels of our society, even today). My only advise to you, the next time you see one of these things eyeing you is.. Run. And if you're in time, you might even catch the spaceship carrying all the clever people to the galaxy, far far away.


4 comments:

Fa~ said...

heyyy wb! :D
haha the ostrich bit was hilarious!
hey i happen to like kerala paratha's (one's from Empire) .. ummmaazing!

Anonymous said...

hey :) gud comeback i say :)Mr. Mahesh's most awaited blog ;P n the paratha's r the only saviors after partyin till god forsaken hrs :)

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Jojo said...

The ship ready yet? Beer donations I could do :p