Weis, Tricks, Vulcans, and Pencils

The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao – Lao Tzu.

Tao means ‘the way’. So apparently, while they revered him as a spiritual guru, no one in China ever asked him for directions when they saw him on the street.

Imagine. You are on a way to an interview, to meet the Grand Panjandrum in Lao Tzu’s city. You are applying for the job of imperial street sweeper, and carrying one of those long bamboo sticks with bristles at the other end, meant to sweep up debris from the public byways. Never call a broom, a broom (or an earth inverting implement, with a long handle and grip on one end, and a metal plate attachment at the other end –  a spade, if you can help it. It will help when you finally set up your own consultancy startup. Word to the wise). You are already ten minutes late, sweating, and shitting bricks (I have always wondered about that metaphor – you would have to have a rather specialized assembly line, to produce those. Just saying). 

Your parents are going to kill you, if you do not get this prestigious job. “Look at your brother! He has already made it to chief chopstick inspector. And he looks decent and respectable. Wears his long hair in a queue, like any proper young man should do. You sit around with your short hair, and play the Guquin all day.  No, you are never going to play the background during Jet Li fight sequences! Do not come back if you do not get this job!”. No one seems to know the right way to reach the office. You run up to this venerable old man, who from the look in his eyes, is self-realized. He KNOWS. “Please tell me the way to the panjandrum’s office?!”. “The way that can be spoken, is not the eternal way machan.” Guess where the broom goes?

Oh, and remember to thank whatever forces you believe in, that you do not have to study Chinese history. This is an actual excerpt from Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gao_Huan):

“In spring 543, another sexual wrongdoing by Gao Cheng would lead to a new campaign between Eastern Wei and Western Wei. The official Gao Zhongmi (高仲密, Gao Aocao's brother), already fearful over his situation because one of Gao Cheng's major assistants, Cui Xian (崔暹), had tried to pick his faults after he divorced Cui Xian's sister, was further aggravated when Gao Cheng tried to rape his second wife, Li Changyi (李昌儀). He therefore surrendered the important garrison of Hulao (虎牢, in modern Zhengzhou, Henan) to Western Wei. Yuwen led his troops to try to come to Gao Zhongmi's aid and further again seize the entire Luoyang region, but was repelled in a major battle near Luoyang, during which both Yuwen and Gao Huan were nearly killed in battle, with Heba Sheng, then a Western Wei general, nearly killing Gao with a spear. (In retaliation, Gao Huan later had all of Heba's sons who remained in Eastern Wei territory executed.) By summer 543, the Western Wei forces had withdrawn, and the entire Luoyang region was again under Eastern Wei control.”

Yes. That made things very clear, thank you. And that, is one paragraph. Your history unit test? It would have been on a few hundred such incidents, if not more. But they do seem to have lived it up, don’t they? This Wei, and that Wei…  Anywei, moving on… That said, let us begin.

I am back after a long lowatus (I am never high), thanks to this friend of mine. So, this same really ‘cool’ friend asked me today, if I had ever done any of those silly conjuring tricks when I was in school (Just for the record, cool in Tamil, is jillu. Cruisin’ for a bruisin’, right there…. LOL!). I told her I had not. But I did see one of the greatest magic tricks ever performed, when I was in the seventh standard. Yes, I went to school, all you doubting Thomases and Lot’s wives! No. Not lotsa wives. She was the lady who turned back to look at Sodom, and was transformed into a pillar of salt. Sodom being a little relevant to the said magic trick (Rather coincidentally). To the disappearance trick, forthwidth (No, not a typo. Wait for it)!

Three of us were sitting on the bench, with me on the extreme left (You will see how this incident created my phobia of these ‘centrists’). The kid on the extreme right was asked a question, and stood up to answer. My friend who was at the center, had just sharpened his pencil, and was looking at it the way Good Will Hunting probably looked at the math problem on the blackboard, before solving it. And just as the rightist sat down, the centrist placed the pencil under him, with extreme dexterity, and care. Sharp point up. And voila! Exit – the pencil. It disappeared! I shit thee not (Rather inappropriate usage of metaphor in this case, I admit), gentle reader, whilst thou cringe.

In his defense (The penciller’s, not the penicillin’s), it was a rather small one. The pencil, that is. We used pencils till they became stubs. Ummmm….  I shall cease and desist on that point – the imagery is not too conducive to how much we actually knew anything, about the birds and the bees (See earlier post explaining this – if you have the patience). But, damn! The pencil disappeared. I cannot stress this enough. But then, neither could the guy who received it.

A turning point in my life, because that was the first time I heard Scandinavian Black Metal vocals. Even more, that boy could have grown up to be Mariah Carey’s voice trainer. I mean, the dogs for a few square meters around the school went berserk, because of the pitch of his voice. No. You should use a dog whistle instead. Do not try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter. This trick was actually pretty straight. Not a revolution, or thankfully, even a rotation. But it lent a whole new interpretation to the expletive ‘up yours’. This was no mere pencil pusher, who performed the trick.

Talking of which, have you heard about QUASARs? ‘Quasi Stellar’ objects? They apparently are the result of mass from the core of a surrounding galaxy, under the influence of the black hole's gravity, falling onto the black hole's accretion disk. I saw one that day. That goddamned pencil was definitely Quasi Stellarse!

And talking about space travel, and new dimensions that you arrive in by travelling through a black hole… I wonder where that pencil ended up. We will probably have to watch Inter Stellarse, to find out. I mean, that pencil… It was the Starship Enterprise’s equal – “to boldly go where no man had gone before”! I bet you that kid probably never watched a single episode of Star Trek for the rest of his life, without forwarding the intro. And, I also bet you he was glad Mr. Spock was not around. Let us look at this situation in the context of a few of Mr. Spock’s famous quotes:

“You speak of the objective hardness of the Vulcan heart, yet how little room there seems to be in yours.” Yes, Mr. Spock. But unfortunately, the human arse too, has no room for the objective hardness of a pencil.

“That position Mr. Scott, would not only be unavailing, but also undignified.”  Say that to someone who is bent over with a pencil stuck in his arse, Mr. Spock. I dare you. I double dare you!

“The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, doctor, pleases me to no end”. That is exactly what the kid did not say to the doctor, after arriving at the hospital. And can we stop talking about ‘ends’ already, Mr. Spock??!! Thank you, very much.

“It is curious how often humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.” Ya think, Mr. Spock??? Here I was, always dreaming I would obtain a pencil in my colon.

“Has it occurred to you that there is a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you’ve already made up your mind about?” Aw gee, I am sorry Mr. Spock… I just asked you if that is a pencil stuck up my arse. I mean, it sure feels like one. But you see, I just seem unable to turn around, and see it.

“Captain, I see no reason to stand here, and be insulted”. Stop complaining Mr. Spock! I probably will not be able to sit down for a long time to come.

“An ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the solution.” No shit Sherlock? Literally. And what do you think the pencil up my arse is Mr.Spock? Impossible, or improbable? Because it sure feels possible, and very painfully prob(e)able.

“Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected; in this case, I think interesting would suffice.” You know, I would have gone with interesting too, Mr. Spock. Really. You have no idea how much I expected this to happen. Interesting….

“Captain, your analysis of the situation was flawless – anticipating that she would deny you admittance. However, the logic by which you arrive at your conclusion escapes me.” I anticipated denial of admittance too Mr. Spock. But the evidence by which I arrived at this conclusion, is something that refuses to escape me.

“You may find that having is not so pleasing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true.” Well, let me enlighten you Mr. Spock. In this situation neither wanting, or having, are pleasant. I know what I am talking about. Believe me.

“It is somewhat stimulating. You seem to be moving very slowly, doctor. Fascinating.” Not even bothering with the response to this one. ROTFLMAO!!!

It was magic all the way. Here’s the proof: “Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird, or a man (Or a pencil). He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal (And unsharpened). But of course, it probably is not. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary (How can you disagree with this?). Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know (You know you don’t want to look. You know you don’t to know). You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back (Aye, and there is the difficult part). That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige".” QED.

Let me leave you with some more really ‘straightforward’ information to ‘chew on’. “A pencil marked “HB” is hard and black, a pencil marked “HH” is very hard, and a pencil marked “BBB” is really, really black! Today, however, most pencils using the HB system are designated by a number, such as 2B, 4B or 2H to indicate the degree of hardness. For example, a 4B would be softer than a 2B and a 3H harder than an H.” 

No, you perverts. I do not know what kind of a pencil it was, to this day.