Audiences, Autodrivers, Cub Scouts and Family Jewels

Think it not loss of time a while to stay,
Tho' thy companions chide thy long delay;
Tho' summon'd to the seas, tho' pleasing gales
Invite thy course, and stretch thy swelling sails:
But beg the sacred priestess to relate
With willing words, and not to write thy fate...
She shall direct thy course, instruct thy mind,
And teach thee how the happy shores to find.
This is what Heav'n allows me to relate:
Now part in peace; pursue thy better fate,

- Virgil in the 'Aenid'

I always loved the turn of phrase these Greek poets had. Translating them into English verse must have been difficult. This particular verse seemed rather apt for the blog (the people who read it.. that is)... Hmmmm... That said, let us begin.

I've been neglecting my blog. I'm sure the millions of people who have been eagerly waiting for the next installment will have been extremely disappointed... And hence here I am... I have this feeling that one of these days I'm going to blog myself into oblivion. Don't ask me what that means,but it does have a cool ring to it methinks.. Not that I care about the number of people who actually read my blog.

" Ditch the IPC, Mahesh... let all the yuppies unite, gather all the coins they can muster, and go and yell 'Talaiva!' " Sheetal says. Good on yer mate! Couldn't agree with you more. Was extremely pleased that someone had deigned to comment (not that it matters to me, how many people comment - just in case i haven't mentioned it before...)

Showed Mrudula what Sheetal had written. Mrudula pointed out that I would probably not qualify to be a 'young' urban professional anymore. Hah! And anyways what does that make me? A Guppie (Geriatric urban professional)?

Getting to office has become quite an absorbing experience. Its around five minutes from my house, by Auto. As soon as I step outside the flat, I light up a cigarette to fortify myself against the coming ordeal, put up a game smiling face and proceed to the auto stand ( one of the 'burning' issues in my life that, quitting smoking - punnintended of course). As soon as they see me coming the Auto Drivers start this little dance that I like to call 'The Auto driver's shuffle'. They all start moving in a random manner so as not to be the first one I approach. If you actually program this movement and put onto a comp, using fractals it should prove extremely interesting. However I'm pretty savvy (or a 'usaar k.d ' as they say in Tamil) and manage to pin one of them down.

I'm smiling now. Showing irritation in any manner now, is the best way to ensure that I walk all the way to office. I had brilliantly deduced, immediately after joining work, that I would have to reach office tomorrow and the day after, and the day after and so on and so forth.. ad infinitum. And hence I would require autos for that. Hence the pleasing smile. Mrudula's method is to tackle all auto drivers with a scowl and BP (Blood Pressure... what else could it be... British Petroleum???) levels that would be fatal in other human beings. I however proudly live upto my family motto - 'Neither strong, nor determined" . This, very strangely, also happens to be the family motto of Jeremy Clarkson ( you know the guy... BBC... Top Gear?).

I tell AD1 (Auto Driver1) where I want to go. He considers this with all the importance that needs to be accorded to it. I mean, lets face it, it is after after all one of the most important decisions he's going to make in life. While he considers it with all the gravity of an earnest new physics graduate contemplating the String Theory, I stand there twiddling my thumbs and smiling... twiddle, twiddle, twiddle...smile, smile, smile. Finally he smiles. Yes, at last !! I can see that he's made up his mind!

He demonstrates his immense decision making skills, by immediately turning around and asking AD2 (Auto Driver 2) "neenu hogthiya?" (will you go? in Kannada). Broader smile, smile, smile, bigger twiddle, twiddle, twiddle. AD2 refuses and the question passes on to AD3 and so on. Finally they all confer ( this discussion would put a UN Security Council meeting on the Israel Palestine issue to shame...). Finally a verdict is reached. They all turn around and smile at me. I immediately know whats the result and start wearily plodding towards office. Maybe some of them would observe my forlorn figure on the horizon and offer to drop me off? Wishful thinking.

This normally absorbing experience was made spectacularly interesting today, by the addition of two new players into the arena. As I approached the Auto stand, I noticed that there was only one Auto there, and this one had been commandeered by a husband and wife team ( At least I think so, hopefully they were not living in sin). The husband was giving the wife instructions on how to reach a certain place in detail. And I mean 'IN DETAIL'. He even told her how many steps she would have to climb from the porch to the reception (seven - if I remember correctly). The AD asked me to wait, indicating that he would be willing to drop me too. It was all I could do to stop singing "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" and dancing around the Auto

I was contemplating the obvious fact that this gentleman had probably spent too much time in the cub scouts ( the husband, not the AD) as a youth (you know their motto - 'be prepared') when it was discovered that wifey had forgotten to bring her cell phone along. The husband refused to allow her to go without it. What if a Tsunami struck Bangalore ( yes I know B'lore is not a coastal city) , or god forbid, there was huge landslide??!! . I mean just because its never happened before, doesn't mean it can never happen in the future, right? Of what help a cellphone can be in those circumstances is beyond me, but after considerable deliberation, it was decided that wife could leave without her mobile, and instead husband would take the auto driver's mobile no.

Alls well that ends well I thought, and then the AD indicated that I would have to sit up in front with him. Obviously. Everyone in India knows that if a man and a woman sit within three feet of each other for period exceeding four minutes (it takes five to reach my office), all kinds of mishaps can occur! Well actually, at the cost of being politically incorrect, having taken a look at her, a million dollars wouldn't have induced me to 'mishap' her. Not that I would have done so otherwise.. let me hasten to add! Mrudula reads this blog y'know!!

We started and travelled for a whole period of two minutes when the AD's mobile rang. Husband had returned with the mobile and wanted the wife to have it. The Auto driver turned to me, asked me to get off and start walking. If I was still walking when he returned with wife and mobile, he magnanimously offered, he would pick me up. Strangely, I had not flown away and was very much walking along the road when he returned.

Got on to the auto, and sat in the front. My feet were straddling the starting lever ( you know that thing they pull up to start the auto...). Auto stopped at signal, AD switched off engine. This is when I realized that if the AD inadvertently started the Auto again, he would have done considerable damage to me, considering that the starting lever was in between my legs. I'd have had to change my name and probably sing soprano for the rest of my life, not to think about the pain...

Gingerly explained to him, that he should give me sufficient warning before starting the Auto. He very kindly complied. Reached office with the family jewels safe. I love Bangalore.

Must remember to thank god for the wellbeing of the Family Jewels. Went to the balcony to smoke. Froze into some kind of ice carving. Mrudula had to come and break me out of it. Damn, this place is bloody cold!!

Demo's,Concerts, Kung Fu and Sivaji

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
- 'The Second Coming' by W.B. Yeats

I've always loved that poem. Summarizes a lot of things. That said, let us begin.

Mini sent me a couple of her demo song tracks. Was awestruck. She can reach notes that heretofore I thought were only possible for Bats (those 'unspeakable giant bugs' as Calvin puts it. You know the kind I'm talking about-the flying dog like thingies...). Don't get me wrong here, what I mean is that she is one of the most talented singers I've ever come across. And absolutely gutsy too. Wish I could figure out a way to put them up here in the blog. Someday I will conquer this technology I say! Watch out technology, here I come!

That reminds me of the time in the not-too-distant past where yours truly was conned into singing. And before an audience too! (Yes.. I know, I mean how wicked can people get? And no points for asking me where my brains were, at that moment) The conspirators convinced me that I was India's answer to James Hetfield (The whole world knows that he's the guy who sings lead for Metallica, for godssake!). So in all my innocence I went up on stage with Adi on the lead guitar - this was going to be an unplugged performance that would put MTV to shame. I introduced us and three people from the audience clapped, probably out of some misplaced sense of duty. I decided that this would not do! I asked them in a loud demanding tone "Is that the best you can do?!". No response. Silence that would have put a tomb to shame. "I'm not starting till I hear some applause here!!". I was getting a little desperate here, as some of the more perceptive amongst you would have realized. Openly hostile stares and a lot of mutterings ("lets string him up by his toes" and such like..).

I immediately recalled the Kung Fu techniques that I had spent eight years learning, in the deepest reaches of Tibet, in a hidden monastery. I might have to use it here.... I thought. Let me digress here for a moment and for the first time in history, let me reveal to you the secret 'Yu Shu' Kung Fu fighting technique. And yes they do teach Kung Fu in Tibet, not only in China. It involves bending your knees, so that your butt is exactly at an angle of 83 degrees to your feet, as the first step. Not a degree more not a degree less mind you, or the effect of the stance is lost. It was not easy to master mind you, tough task masters those Tibetan monks. They'd put 'The cruel tutelage of Pai Mei' to shame ( And for those of you who don't know what it is, go watch Kill Bill). They'd make you go out and kiss a Yak as punishment, and believe you me, that can be quite unpleasant. Anyways, the next step is to screw up your face. Imagine the most embarrassing experience you've ever had, raise it to the power ten, and you'll have the requisite expression on your face. Then flail your arms around, as if you were trying to take off and fly, while all the time loudly screaming the words "Shoo! Shoo!". Works like magic I tell you, and no one will dare to even approach within 5 feet of you.

Take even steps back while remaining at the same angle (this will take some practice) and then turn around and run like your butt was on fire. As my friend Sun Tzu often says, a strategic retreat is often the best form of offense. It works every single time.

Back to the concert. By this time I'd realized that I was up shit creek without a paddle and started belting out "Nothing else matters" like nobody's business. In between Adi launched into the solo lead and the audience spontaneously broke out into thunderous applause. It was all I could do to restrain myself from plucking the guitar out of his hands and sticking it up his..... Well we finished it with a game face. Sometime later I got to hear a recording of it. To tell you the truth, I kind of sympathised with the audience....

Well Sivaji's been released and as usual I miss the simple old days when I could go to the first days shows, scream "Thalaivaa!!!", and fling coins at the screen. Us yuppies aren't allowed to do that y'know. Its illegal under some code of the IPC that I can't recall right now. Tried to explain this to Mrudula, but her eyes started glowing the way they usually do before those laser bolts shot out of them. Beat a retreat. Sometimes even Yu Shu Kung Fu doesn't work.

I received this gem of a mail about Sivaji which i think the whole world should read:

Hurray Hurray ........ sivaji super hit....promise
hi frnds this is ***** ......i m a big rajni fan.........i stay in abudhabi .......i feel i m the 1st to say sivaji talk,.....movie is awesome......i saw the movie.......excellent movie.....dead shot hit.........the 1st one hour of the muve is slow .....interval bang is awesome which is a big treat for rajni fans ....interval block (peeri shona vundane summa adaradhilla)......plz plz fans dont get disapponted after watchin 1st one hour.........2 nd half full ultimate......climax 30min is the highlite where the movie goes to a high peak.....there is a big twist in climax.....i dont want to reveal........plzz ....movie is 100 times better than CM commercially...;........interval block resembles similar to TAGORE (chiranjeevi's muvie)..........SUPERSTAR comes with an industry hit after 3 years.........last but not the least......movie is all abt an NRI who teaches a lesson for all who dont pay tax .......THE MAIN PART OF THE MUVIE IS ALL ABT A MEDICAL COLLEGE REVENGE,......MUVIE IS A HIT....i m very happy tat i m the 1st to reveal the talk.......super star zindabad

After a good deal of research, I've ascertained that "peeri shona vundane" is a form of greeting used in the interior districts of outer Mongolia. Please don't ask me why anyone from Abu Dhabi should use it. I'm still conducting research on that, and will share the results with you once they're in. Hope that clarifies. As for the rest of the 'muve' (or 'muvie' as the case may be), its pretty evident that its about this NRI who pays taxes to exact revenge on a medical college. Or is it a NRI who joins a medical college to help him avenge people who pay taxes? Its a Rajini movie for heavens sake, does the story line matter??!! Go watch it and enjaai I say!

They've picked a compromise candidate for the president's post. I'm very miffed that didn't offer it to me first! I shall register my strong protest by sulking throughout the weekend. besides the television is still on the blink.

Exit: the gallant Mahesh into the dull and dreary afternoon.

Morale boosters, Masterpieces, Llamas and Naked Bike Rides

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (pause) Thy will be done. - Homer Simpson in the 'Simpsons' (obviously..DUH!)

And that being said... let us begin....

I'm in a garrulous mood today. This just might be along write. Was talking to a friend of mine who's from Bihar, who in the interests of good health shall remain anonymous. The last thing I want is a hit squad from Bihar knocking on my door. I mean, why should they travel all the way just to get beaten up by me? Anyways, in between the conversation, I couldn't resist.

Me: Did you read my blog (hopeful tone)
Him:Hum aisa serious blog nahin padte
Me: My blog? Serious?? You must be joking! ( And here I was, under the impression that I was joking on the blog)
Him: Tera blog boring hai ( I knew it! I knew it!)
Me: Ok... So tell me which ones are the interesting blogs? (Hah! got you there!)
Him: (Mentions two names)
Me: And you mean to tell me they don't write serious stuff?? I read them too man! ( You gotta be shittin me...!!)
Him: Its not a question of serious stuff. Your blog is boring. Bahut boring. (Are you a human being or a parrot fer godssake!!)
Him: And aadhe words ka matlab hi pataa nahin mujhe. Pls use aasaan english ( Sigh... )

Came back home. Telly still on the blink and Mrudula still in a bad mood. I explained to her about the above conversation. She seemed highly amused. She told me that this 'blogging' thing is just a fad with me... Like the previous... she gave me a long list here... which I will not share with you. This is a very open conversation I'm having with you,see? But on the other hand , there is a limit to my masochism too.. Crux of the issue was that I felt like a cycle tire that had just run over a six inch nail.

After those splendid morale boosters, there was only one thing I could do. Here I am blogging again.

Talking about simple English, can't resist but mention the 'Llama song' by Burton Earny.For those of you who haven't heard it, its available at:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php.

The sublime poetry and and the music that pulls at your heart strings combine to form an experience that is not easily forgotten. Burton has composed a commodious masterpiece whose narrative power is only matched by its generosity of vision. I was greatly disappointed when it was overlooked both for the Booker prize (for the lyrics) and the Grammy Awards (for the music). As a great wise man once said 'There's simply no accounting for people's tastes'. Just as an aside, The great wise man in question is also the author of this blog.

For those of you who are too lazy to go look it up, I could provide the lyrics of the song. But the quite a few of you might perish of a severe case of the goosebumps, and I'd be blamed for it. I have no plans of going to jail ( unless they arrest me for daring to blog- see morale boosters above). So get off your lazy butt's and go click that link above!

For some reason the Spanish also seem to be fascinated by Llamas. If you meet a person who spoke Spanish, or god forbid, were chatting with him/her on some instant messenger service (you never know), one of the questions the person would ask you, would be "Como te llamas?"

I always thought thats a real funny thing to ask. I mean, if I didn't know better my responses would range from: "No I don't herd Llamas, I just work for an IT company"
to: "No thank you, I already have three of them at home and their names are Rajagopal, Sunderrajan and Subramaniam"
to downright: "Buggerroff! You sick shit!!! I don't want to do it with any Llama!! Not even if it looks like Kareena Kapoor!!! ( Which you will admit is not very far from the truth. The Kareena bit , that is)

It apparently means "Whats your name".

The incumbent president, said a very interesting article I read today (I read the article, the incumbent president didn't say that) is very fond of animals and has a variety of them put up at the Rashtrapati Bhavan. He apparently even had an ailing Hippo from a circus treated there. No, as far as I know the hippo went back to the circus and is not currently residing at Rasthrapati Bhavan. The candidate who is most likely to succeed him, Shivraj Patil, when asked what his interests were, listed shooting and horse riding. Poor Animals. I love my country. There's humour everywhere in India.

There's humour elsewhere also. Apparently there's this event organized every year around the globe called the "World Naked Bike Ride". It consists of people doing exactly what the name says. Riding naked down the streets of cities on bikes. That's cycles in Indianese. This year too they organized it in 5 cities around the world. Its supposed to be a protest against global warming and to sensitize people to the evils of using automobiles. If it were me taking part, I'd be more worried about how to desensitize my butt. I mean, I have problems with the comfort levels accorded to my sensitive area's by a bicycle seat on a normal day! If I were nude..... But never fear, gentle reader , that is a spectacle which you will never have to contend with. This I promise you. (Is that a collective sigh of relief I hear?)


One of the participants was interviewed and the reporter asked him the obvious:
http://www.concordmonitor.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070607/
REPOSITORY/706070410/1043/NEWS01

Reporter:Doesn't that get uncomfortable, you know, on a bike?
Participant: Everyone asks this question, and it's actually pretty comfortable. Believe me, I've asked every rider I meet. We all agree that as long as the bike seat is comfortable with clothes, you'll feel fine without clothes.

On that mysterious note I will bid you all goodbye. I'm sure that you too did your part to make the world a better place and if you did on a bike when you were nude.... You must be nuts!!!!!

Exit: the gallant Mahesh into the dark and dangerous night.